Secrets Can Kill
by Dr Dana Stowe's Sidekick
Summary: Monica has a secret that is killing her, slowly and painfully, but her fears keep her from telling. Can Chandler and the gang save her before it's too late? Warning- could be triggering for past or present Eating Disorder sufferers. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

** Author's Note- This is my first Friends fic, and I was very inspired by ChristinaLouise's Perfect If It Kills Me, so I thought I'd try something like it. Now, I will say that I've been very interested in the field of Eating Disorders for some time now. I don't, thankfully have one myself, but I believe I have a pretty good understanding of the picture. If anyone would like to help me out with any details I may get wrong, I'd be open to it. I just wanna bring awareness to this issue. This may be a triggering read, so be careful if you've had any kind of trouble with these issues.**

Again.

It was happening again, and Monica hated it, but she couldn't stop. Chandler was on a business trip, and her mom had their 2 year old twins, Jack and Erica. The silence made the voices that rumbled around in her head at the level of a constant, irritatingly painful hum even louder. The voices were always telling her that her parents were right to choose Ross as their favorite and that she wasn't worth noticing. It was those voices that led her here again, back to her bathroom with her fingers shoved down her throat. Her body heaved with every torrent of food that was forced up, but in some strange way, it made her feel safe.

She knew that that sounded crazy, even in her own head, but this was the only thing that had always been there for her. Yeah, she had Ross and the rest of the group, especially Chandler, but she couldn't even tell him. She hated to admit it, but she was scared.  
>Scared that she wouldn't measure up, scared that she never had, and scared that she never would. She cried copious tears, which mixed with the stomach acid and pieces of half digested Twinkies, Ho Ho's, Ding Dongs, and Klondike bars she had eaten that night. She always made sure that the food she chose for her binges was soft. That way, it all came back up easier when it came time to purge.<p>

After an agonizingly long half hour, she got up off her knees and stood looking at her reflection in the mirror. She was sweating, and her throat ached horribly.

_ "For now, at least, I'm safe," she thought. "I won't get fat again as long as I stay in control." _

Sometimes she wouldn't eat at all, or sometimes she would only eat because she felt trapped. If she felt the others were noticing the fact that she wasn't joining them in, say, a scone, she would take a bite just to get them to stop staring.

Chandler in particular seemed worried. She knew he knew her very well, and that it would be really hard to hide it from him, seeing as they were husband and wife and were supposed to share every struggle. Every one but this one, of course. She couldn't tell him because she feared that if he found out her darkest secret that it would be too hard for him to deal with and he would take Jack and Erica and leave her alone with her pain without even looking back. She couldn't risk losing Chandler, not after all they had been through.

After cleaning herself up, she went to the scale. She especially hated this part. If the number was higher than it had been the last time she weighed, she felt like a failure. If the number was lower, she felt a kind of giddy elation that was nearly impossible to describe. She felt as if she were chained to that scale. Those digital numbers were either her lifeline or her doom depending on the day.

Today's number was 125, two pounds heavier than her last weight, so once again, she cried.

"**No! Damn it! Not again!" **she exclaimed in frustration. "I worked so hard." Shaking her head, she grabbed her sneakers.

"Ember? Wanna go for a walk, girl?" she asked the golden Labrador who had trotted up to her while she had been lamenting about the weight gain.

Ember barked excitedly and wagged her tail. Monica chuckled and clipped on her leash. Ember loved to go for walks. Plus, Monica had to admit that Ember was a great cover. No one thought there was anything strange about a woman walking her dog. As she jogged out the door with Ember, she couldn't help but wonder when she would be able to get off this roller coaster. The truth was, despite the safe feeling it gave her, she wasn't sure she liked this ride anymore.


	2. The Confession

Monica jogged with Ember till her lungs burned and her legs ached, but she felt strong. When she was jogging or chasing after the twins, she didn't feel so anxious. It seemed that as long as she was moving, the voices quieted to a tolerable level, to whispers instead of hums. It made her feel better for the moment. She felt in control. For that half hour or however long it took, she felt there was nothing stopping her. To a woman who spent most of her time as a slave to her own mind, there was nothing that compared to that feeling.

After the jog, she came home and took Ember's leash off her collar. The friendly pup barked and licked her hand, and Monica chuckled and ruffled her ears. "You're a good puppy, aren't you, Ember?" she cooed. "Yes, you are. You're my baby." She kissed her silken head and put her arms around her neck, and a wave of tears came from her eyes. Ember didn't judge or ask her why she felt the way she did, so it was very easy to let her see her weakness. She knew she would keep all of her secrets..

Ember nuzzled Monica's cheek. She didn't know what was bothering her. All she knew was that something was making her sad and that she wanted to make her feel better. She licked her hands, which were still wrapped around her.

After about an hour, Monica raised herself from the ground and went to the bathroom to clean up. All the crying had made her mascara run, and so her face looked like black spiderwebs had taken over. She cleaned up the mascara smudges and used mouthwash to mask the smell of vomit that she was certain was always present on her breath. After she was sitting on the couch again, Ember laid her head on her knee, and she patted her. She soon heard the key turning in the lock.

Chandler was home. Now she would have to come up with a lie.. She knew that she must look like hell, and she knew that he'd ask.

"Hi, Mon," he said. "Miss me?"

She smiled and crossed the room to kiss him. "Of course. How was the trip?"

He kissed her back and said, "Good, but, Mon, I'm worried about you,"

She wasn't surprised, but it still made her feel anxious to hear him say it. She knew why he was worried, and she knew that he wanted to take away her safety net, and that thought scared her more than words could express. It made her dizzy just thinking about it. Wait a minute, could the dizziness be caused by the fact that she had spent most of the day forcing herself to throw up everything that she'd eaten since roughly the third grade? No, it couldn't be that, because that would mean that she was sick, that she had a serious problem, and that she needed help. That was impossible because how could the one thing that had ever made her feel safe be bad? No, no, that was crazy.

"Mon?" she heard Chandler's voice say.

She jumped, startled. She had been so lost in her internal war that she had almost completely forgotten he was there. "Yeah?" she said, her voice sounding soft and distant even to her own ears.  
>"Mon, I'm worried about you. You've changed."<p>

"How?"

"Well, you always seem sad, and you never stay still. Plus, you look really pale, and you have bags under your eyes like you never sleep. Is something bothering you?"

Monica shook her head quickly..."No, don't worry. I'm fine. Better now that you're home."

"But you look so sick. Mon, if there's something you need to talk about, I'm here. I'm always here."

She smiled again, hoping that if he saw her smiling, he'd think that she was happy and he'd stop asking. The truth was, he was right, but could she tell him? No, not yet. She still needed the safety for just a little longer. She would tell him once she lost five more pounds. Just five more pounds, and then she would confess every sordid detail of her secret obsession.

"No, Chandler. Really, I'm okay. I am."

The look on his face said she didn't convince him, but he said, "Okay. Just remember what I said."

She nodded and gave him a hug. "Yeah, I know."

He hugged her tight and he could feel how thin she was, but all he could do was hope she'd open up to him sooner rather than later. He felt her tears hit his shirt. "What is it, Mon? Talk to me. I'm here."

"All right!" she finally said, her voice coming out sharper than she'd intended. This was a very scary moment for her. She felt as though she were about to jump out of a plane without a parachute. "I'll tell you, but you have to promise me you won't leave me after I do."

"What? Mon, of course not. I could never leave you. There's nothing you could do that would ever make me leave."  
>"Promise me you're not just saying that?" Her voice sounded soft and childlike.<p>

"I'm not. Mon, I love you, and I always will. My problems are yours. I wanna help. Please, trust me."

"All right, okay. You got me. I know you noticed me getting thinner, and, well, there's a reason for that. You know that when I was a kid, I was really fat, and my parents were very critical. Hell, they still are, especially my mother. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. Plus, it's always been clear to me that Ross is their favorite, and for awhile I was able to deal with it, but since I found out it would be hard for me to get pregnant, I started to eat everything in sight and then make myself throw up."

She had said it. Out loud. The words hit her hard, but she could tell they hit Chandler harder. "There are even times I don't eat at all. I know the others notice, and I know you've been worried, but I had to tell you the truth. I don't wanna be alone with this anymore." She was crying now. "You think I'm crazy, don't you?"

He took her hands "No, Mon, no of course I don't. Why do you do it?"

"It makes me feel safe."

"Safe? But how?"

"Chandler, I've been let down a lot in my life by people I was supposed to trust. I mean, first it was Ross. He'd bully me about my weight, and then there's my mother's ever-present way of making me feel like I've shrunk down to 3 feet. I still sometimes think of the names the other kids would call me. Like Moni-Cow and Moni- King Kong. It still hurts me as much now as it did then. When I started to make myself throw up, I started to feel like all those bad feelings went away. I still feel that way, so even though I hate it, I can't stop. Please don't be mad. I need you to help me."

Chandler was mad, but not at her. He was mad at himself. The woman he loved more than anything had been suffering for quite some time, and he had been so wrapped up in himself that he'd never even noticed.. He pulled her into his arms. "Oh, Mon, I'm so sorry," he whispered.

She sniffled, her head resting on his chest. She looked up at him in surprise. "You're sorry? Why are you sorry?"

"Because I didn't know you were hurting. Mon, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was scared that you'd leave me."

He stroked his cheek. "Never, Mon. We're in this together. Always. I'll help you."

"You will?"

"Of course."

She held onto him tight, crying herself to sleep as she felt him rubbing her back whispering, "Shhh, Mon. I promise I'm here for you."

**Author's Note: Well, there it is. Chapter 2. This took me awhile to write, and I hope you've enjoyed, and thanks to ChristinaLouise for being my first reviewer. Let me know what ya think. I'm starting to feel quite proud of this one.**


	3. A Long Night

**Chapter 3: A Long Night**

Monica woke up in the dark apartment, her hands shaking with anxiety. She had told Chandler the truth, the real truth, and now she was really scared. She had given up her safety net, and now she was very uncertain, much like a child who was learning to walk for the first time. She had been relying on this for roughly two years now, and the sad truth was that she didn't know who she'd be without it to fall back on.

She was glad on one hand that Chandler knew because now she could talk about it with someone and no longer be forced to deal with it alone. On the other hand, though, now that he knew she gained the clarity to understand that it wasn't something that everyone did to cope with the trials and tribulations of life. Some part of her knew it wasn't normal, but because of the fact that she had done it for so long, she had come to accept it as normal for her.  
>However, since she'd chosen to let Chandler in on the secret, she realized that she was somewhat unstable, given the surprised look he'd given her when she said it.<br>"Mon?" she heard him ask.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"What is it?"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of getting better. I've had this to lean on for so long that being without it scares me."

"Well, Mon, the one thing you won't hear me say is that I know how you feel, because I don't. What I do know is that I'm gonna be there for you in every way I can. When I proposed, I told you that I'd do everything I could to make you happy, and I will. Whatever it takes to help you get better, I'll do.

She smiled and kissed him, happy that they were in it together. Now she had him to lean on, but she questioned her readiness for recovery. They spent the rest of the night sipping tea and talking about old times. She hoped that one day, she could be the Monica from those memories again. Once they had gone over practically every memory they could think of, they fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, and she knew that it had been the right decision to tell him.  
>"Mon, do you want me to come with you when you see somebody?" Chandler asked the next morning over coffee.<p>

Monica smiled, but shook her head. "This part I gotta do myself, but I'll let you know how it goes, okay?"

He smiled and nodded. "I want you to know how proud I am of you. This has to be hard."

She nodded. "It is, but I'm trying."

"I know, and that's what counts."

She smiled, kissed his cheek and went to shower. She hoped she'd be able to talk to the counselor without freezing up.


	4. The Next Step

**The First Step**

Monica didn't know how she was going to be able to tell the counselor the truth. After all, she knew that this was going to be the first time she'd meet her. Therefore, she didn't know just how much she was going to be able to tell her. Telling Chandler had been hard enough, and she loved him with all she had. How in the world was she going to manage revealing her darkest, most painfully intimate secret to someone she had never met?

The thought of that paralyzed her with a fear that she couldn't begim to understand. She wanted the help because she wanted very much to be there for Chandler, Jack and Erica in the way she was meant to be. Both she and Chandler had been so blessed when they were finally given the kids, and she wanted to be able to enjoy that to the fullest. She even had her own bakery, a little place she called Monicarlo's, out in Manhattan.  
>She loved working there. She'd always wanted something like that. She'd worked in several places, but none of them had been her own, and it felt good to be able to see her dream of owning a place of her own coming true.<p>

On the other side, though she often found it hard to work there because there were a lot of foods that she would have used when it came time for her binges. It was a lot like an alcoholic working in a bar because she was exposed to lots of temptation. She knew she had to be strong. If she gave in, people would know her secret, and she didn't want them to know for fear that they wouldn't respect her as a boss. If they knew, they would confirm what the logical part of her already knew, which was that the things that she did to make herself feel secure and safe were also abnormal things that made her seem crazy to anyone she told that she didn't know well.

These chattering thoughts were in her head as she pulled up to the office building that housed her new counselor, Dr. Robin Cassidy's, office. She hoped that, with Robin's help, she would be able to begin to find better, healthier ways to cope with the many emotional scars and wounds she had acquired over the years.  
>"You're Monica, right?" asked a blonde woman who had green eyes.<p>

"Yes, Monica Bing," she answered, giving the woman a nervous smile.

The slightly older woman smiled and said, "I'm Robin. Come on back."

Monica followed her into an airy, colorful little office that instantly put her at ease.

"Would you like a cup of coffee?" Robin offered, seeing Monica take a seat in a big green leather armchair.

She smiled and said, "Sure." She took the cup and doctored it to her liking.  
>"So, what brings you to see me today?" Robin asked in a gentle tone that told Monica she was willing to listen to anything she would bring to the table.<p>

With a nervous breath, Monica told her everything she could think of. She could feel the weight lifting off her shoulders with every word, and she knew that even though she had a ways to go, she was on her way to healing, and to her, in that moment, that meant everything.


End file.
